Eleven years is a long time. It's been eleven years since I've heard her voice or felt her touch. Eleven years since my momma's arms wrapped around me and made me believe she could keep the whole world at bay with just her embrace.
July 11, 2018 is so ingrained in my memory. I remember exactly what clothes I had on, I remember every moment of that day. I remember exact conversations. I remember every minute in distinct clarity; like a bad nightmare on repeat in my mind. There are days, even weeks that go by and I can put one foot in front of the other and carry on, but then there are days like today, July 11th days, that take me back to the exact moment 11 years ago and I am just as broken as I was the moment I received the phone call.
Losing a parent changes you forever. My life is divided into two distinct categories: before my mother's death and after my mother's death. It is a dividing line. A line I wish I had never had to cross. A line that so distinctly defines my life and there are no words to describe it. You do not fully understand until you have personally passed over that line. And without faith in God, I am afraid I would still be standing on that line, unable or unwilling to move forward in my life. Even with immense grief, God has taken my hand and walked me down this path. Without Him, I would be nothing.
Isaiah 43 was a chapter in the Bible I read over and over after my momma passed. It was my anchor and still is.
"When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee; when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour ; I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee. Since thou was precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable and I have loved thee....."
When the pain is so deep I can barely breath, I know God loves me and He won't let it overtake me. When the hurt is so real, I physically ache, I know God loves me and he will help me bare it. And when I miss her so desperately, I know I will see her again one day, because God promised me that.
"....to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord." 2 Corinthians 5:8
" And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also." John 14:3
Until we meet again, Momma, I sure do miss you.